Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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