he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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