He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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