I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize