The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
