My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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