I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
