I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
