If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Watching her eat just hurts me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
