if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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