Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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