The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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