he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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