The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The power of my boobs compel you
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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