waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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