True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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