i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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