My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
