Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
