When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
