I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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