3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
