why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
