Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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