I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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