He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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