I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
