You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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