Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Randomize
