I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
