My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
