I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
