If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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