my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
