I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
