im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
