I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Your dad touched me again.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
