i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
