she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
