Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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