remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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