Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
