Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
50% drunk capacity currently
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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