Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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