you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
