I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
