I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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