So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
