I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize