I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
tell your sister to shave her snatch
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
