Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
