I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
