Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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