My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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