I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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