I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
