Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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