I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
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